Teenagers Make the Best Teachers!

Many of you know that I am a counselor who specializes in adolescence. I truly enjoy working with teenagers and their families, however sometimes when you spend so much time working with individuals and families in crisis you forget there are plenty of adolescence who are doing great and are making amazing lives for themselves. This summer I had the opportunity to spend time with some of these unique teens and I truly am better for it.

Throughout this summer I spent more time working at Miss Ruth's Time Bomb and because of this had the time to truly become friends with some teenagers who have grown very important to me. One is Hope. Hope is an amazing, vintage, fashion, Goddess. It is her destiny to become an important figure in fashion. She inspires me with her personal style, drive, and intelligence. I really got a sense for how to mix vintage pieces up, beyond the expected. I also was refreshed on the importance of going after ones dreams with the passion of a 16-year-old. Thank you Hope for renewing my childhood passion for fashion and for encouraging me to write my blog more often. I am so blessed to have met you and your fantastic sisters.

I also had the pleasure of enjoying my summer days with our old employee Jess. She was our first Time Bomb girl and as she prepared to move on to her new ballet company, we got to spend time together and know each other more. I tried to emulate her care free attitude. She was in the middle of transition central and she seemed pretty collected about the whole thing. I remember one day we were walking back from the post office together and I tried to pretend that I too was 18-years-old again. I walked with a little less stiffness, tried to ignore the fact that we were walking in the middle of the alley and cars were struggling to avoid us. I also attempted to play it cool as my shorts got caught on a fence and I tripped. All in all, it occurred to me that I was far to aware to go fully back to my teen years, but I certainly enjoyed pretending from time to time. Jess thank you for sharing your world with me, dance your heart out.

Then there was Frankie. Frankie is a 19-year-old boy who lives his life on a stage. He finds a way to entertain those surrounding him at all times! He is totally a blast to be around. His passion for dressing up and singing is contagious. He is truly one of the most talented individuals I have ever met and I know he is going to make his mark in the theatre world. One night he came to puppy class with me, even though he was not raising a puppy, he managed to become the center of attention, volunteering and telling jokes. He brought everyone there so much joy. Frankie, you remind me of the importance of letting your true light shine. Thank you, you truly are a gift!

Finally there is Erin. She is our new Time Bomb employee. She is 19-years-old and really knows how to work hard. It is a pleasure to do a shift with her. She seems to simply love to be working around vintage clothing. She feels like an old soul with the heart of a child. I am so thankful she applied to work with us. When I am with her I am reminded of the importance of being unique. Spending the day working with her is a joy, because she is so full of life. Erin, thanks for being you and inspiring me to keep my edge. You're awesome.

All in all I have been so lucky to know these dynamic, awesome, adolescent individuals. I often hear people talking about how kids just aren't the same anymore and they're right. Kids today have so much more access to information, music, art, relationships. Their worlds are so huge, it is almost impossible for us to understand. But everyday I go to work and try to relate to them. I open my heart and head up and let them teach me about their lives. They are awesome and my life gets better and better because they're in it!

Fashion and Personal Identity

Two weeks ago I walked into my therapist’s office and immediately apologized for being in sweat pants. He said, “Sarah, this is the third time you have apologized for wearing workout clothes to my office, what’s with that?” I sat dumb founded, “what was with that?” I have been thinking about this for two weeks. I see him again tonight and I am now ready to discuss my connection to fashion and self.

I grew up in Shamokin, PA. The population was nearly 10,000 and I graduated with about 130 kids. It has many charms, however fashion was absolutely not one of them. Mom jeans, stretch pants, and T-shirts are the uniform. I was lucky however, to have a mother who was very aware of fashion, even if it was not accessible, an aunt who would take me to the Philadelphia every year and buy my school clothes, and a father who instilled in me the importance of being unique. All of these factors created the perfect foundation to express myself through clothing. I may not have had fine art skills but I did have leopard tights and outrageous dresses.

I never bought basics, instead I looked for pieces that would make me stand out, help me be seen. It worked and continues to work. I am known for my unique personal style. While, I completely embrace this, it has also created existential anxiety.  If the way I dressed was fused with my identity, who was I when I was simply in jeans and a sweatshirt?

I often feel like a polarized person. Because of my work as a counselor at an all boys adventure school, I spend many of my days in the most blasé clothes. While, I don’t seem to mind this at work, as soon as I step into my shop, I feel very uncomfortable. I start the apologizing and explaining game. I tell my employees that I can’t dress fun at school; I tell customers what I do during the day, etc. I apologize to almost everyone.  I don’t want them to think the person they are looking at is the real me.  I mean the real me would be in vintage skirt with red cowboy boots, and a bright hair flower.

In addition to this behavior, when I am at home, I immediately take off my clothes from the day and put on pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt. I want to be in a cocoon of comfort and safety. Its like stretching for me, I feel relieved, relaxed, and it symbolizes that the there is no imaginary or real eyes looking and/or judging. Its as if I am invisible. Surprisingly, this is comforting.

Clothes have become a costume for me, a way to express myself, but also a way to hide. What am I covering up? What am I trying to communicate? I believe I am attempting to tell the world that I am a unique and deeply complicated individual. When I am wearing something simpler, I could be confused as an average person. This misunderstanding feels unbearable. The most important part of my personal identity is the idea that I am unlike others. The root of this notion may have developed from the attention I received throughout my life from my clothing choices. So, if it’s clothing that makes me unique, than if I don’t have the right clothes on, I am not unique. Shit, that sounds so base and yet eerily resonating.

I remember when I was four and I loved to wear these red shorts with white trim and a white tank top that had red trim. I remember the jean skirt and purple polo I wore on the first day of kindergarten (I was looking classic and smart). I can recall fighting with my mother about navy blue mary janes (they were ugly and childish) and becoming hysterical over her attempts to make me wear brown tights to ballet class. I loved my purple blazer with rhinestone buttons in sixth grade, in seventh grade I wore V-neck sweaters backwards and by the time I was in high school, I was a thrift store junky, always looking for pieces no one else owned or could find. These memories are the fabric of my personal identity development. However, at thirty its time for me to allow the less complicated, toned down, average pieces of myself to have some room too. I think if I give her some space to grow and fuse into my identity, she might end up surprising me. 

Miss Peanut Ponders Chinese Adoption

Ever since I learned in junior high, that in China, female children are not valued or desired, I had an impulse to adopt one. I don't know why or where this inclination came from, probably my feminist beliefs, but when I think of my future with a child, I never imagine that it will pass through my body. Instead, I picture her as a Chinese baby girl. 

However, "my impulse" would have to change to "Dave and I's dedication" if this was truly going to happen. The Chinese government has very strict international adoption laws.  

These requirements are...

 

·       Married couples age 30 to 50 years are eligible to adopt a healthy child; couples age 50 to 55 years are eligible to adopt a Waiting Child

·       Married for 2 years; if either parent was previously married, current marriage must be at least 5 years; no more than 2 previous marriages for either parent

·       Both parents are fully mentally and physically healthy, including Body Mass Index under 40, no medication for psychological conditions within the past 2 years, no chronic medical conditions that limit life expectancy, no significant mental health diagnosis, no history of substance abuse within the past 10 years.

·       Annual income exceeding $10,000 per family member, including child to be adopted (i.e. $30,000 for a couple adopting their first child)

·       Family’s net worth must exceed $80,000

·       Both parents have high school diploma or higher

·       Families with more than 4 children under 18 are not accepted; youngest child must be over 1 year old (Restriction does not apply to families adopting Waiting Children)

·       No criminal record or history of domestic violence, sexual abuse, or child abuse/neglect

·       One applicant must be a U.S. citizen

·      

Some of these requirements Dave and I could pass with our hands tied behind our backs. However, others would require more planning. For one, we would have to get married immediately. Due to Dave’s past marital status we would have to be married 5-years before starting the application. If he could possibly get his marriage annulled and I don’t think, “ I was really drunk at the reception” counts as grounds for an annulment, the minimum would be 2 years. In addition to this, it takes 3-years from the start of an application to receiving your child.  So we are all ready up to a 5-8 year wait.

Now, if we would start this process; we also have to pay $23,000, when finalized. While, they don’t expect you to pay up-front, you do need to come up with thousands of dollars at a time. I guess one positive of waiting 8-years is that you have time to save!

Then there are requirements that almost seem impossible, “Family’s net worth must exceed $80,000.” In 5-years could Dave and I’s net worth exceed $80,000? With a mortgage, school loans, credit card debt, and car payments, is it possible? I haven’t actually sat down and done the math, partially because I am too scared to look at those figures.

When I started researching the process, I didn’t expect to find myself seriously considering my financial situation. However, maybe this is the Chinese government’s intention. Should, anyone haphazardly decide to adopt or have a child? Maybe, some version of these requirements should be in place in the United States. Honestly, should just anyone be allowed to have a child? I understand what road that would lead us down. One filled with elitism and Whites. But truthfully, the criteria set by the Chinese government isn’t so insane. It shows an expectation of stability and as an adolescent mental health counselor, I know stability is what children thrive on. After consideration the Chinese government's requirements seem logical. 

Currently, I am sitting at Panera Bread. When I walked in the doors, I saw in the corner of the restaurant a White, married couple, with their Asian baby girl. They had that “we just returned from attending church” look. They appeared clean and crisp. I am the antithesis of them. I am a single, in-debt, tattooed, and agnostic. Could I ever clean up that much? Could Dave and I fake-out the Chinese government? I think we can and give one baby girl, a life full of Love, Fun, Creativity, and most importantly Stability. 

Miss Peanut Enjoys Communist Bowling

Last night David, Christi, Mark, and I went to the Midway Bowling Alley. Yes, this is the fabulous bowling alley with the world famous Spare Time Lounge. I have a romantic view of this lounge, I always imagine it swanky and full of men and women from the 1950s drinking martinis and smoking cigarettes. Like something out of a black and white movie. Well, the cigarettes are there, however the only people drinking are some Coors Light loving, Bush voting, Nascar fans. 

Eventually, I had to wonder into the Spare Time Lounge when alas, we had finished Dave's rum filled flask. I knew walking into the lounge,  I was going to stand out. I am no stranger to this feeling. I have spent my life living in the Tattooed Circus, traveling around in a van all summer, like a freak show on tour. But, as an adult, I am sometimes caught off guard by how much I seem to have maintained my Freak status, even when I am trying to be normal. 

While I may wear the perfect white and beige outfit to a baby shower, somehow by the time I leave, It is always clear that I am not like the other ladies in the room. I simply don't know how to present myself or more importantly don't want to present myself, as anything less than different.  

Despite all this, I was determined to ask for a beer in a, I know I am not at a microbrew house, manner and after noticing only Coors Light and Miller Light were on tap, I asked the bartender what type of bottled beer they served. She stated, "I have lots of bottles. What do you want?" 

This forced me to name a beer, instead of being able to pick one and after working for three years at a pub that served over 200 hundred beers, I doubted that her selection of 12 bottle beers and wine coolers, constituted as a lot.

Her attitude also caught me off guard and I thought, maybe outside of the world of The Spare Time Lounge, this woman is seen as ordinary and simple, but here in her lounge she is queen. She looked as if she was really attractive when she was a teenager, but as time passed, she hadn't changed her look and life kind of moved without her participating in it.  I wondered what she and her bar friends were talking about. It was clear I had intruded into her world and she had no patience for me.

However, despite all this I still wanted a good micro-brew. So, I thought fuck-it and asked her if she had any. This question made her face change and she looked at me like I asked her if she sold crack.  Thankfully, there was a  helpful, large, drunk man at the bar and he let me know they had, Yuengling. This was not pronounced correctly and came out in a kind of spit filled, southern accent. He said he was not from around here and he also loved microbrews. I enthusiastically recommended the Market Cross Pub, if he wanted a good brew. He laughed at me, and said, "Im just kidding doll, I drink Coors Light." 

I guess the joke was on me. I thanked him for his helpfulness and ordered a Heineken, my don't be a pain-in-the-ass at the dive bar, standby. 

Finally drinks secured and it was time to enjoy Communist Bowling. Since, during our first game, it was clear the Mark and Dave were much better bowlers than Christi and I, we decided to equalize the game! The men had to bowl left-handed and the women got to bowl as usual. Communism was alive and well at the Midway Bowling Center! We we're taking away the men's athletic fortunes. 

 The fascinating discovery was that after a few frames of Dave and Mark falling down, due to lifting the wrong leg as they released the ball from their left hands. They grew more capable as the game went on. By the end, they were throwing strikes and spares!  I was struck that possibly in life no matter what you do, you can't make things totally fare. Some people if simply given the chance to compete, are going to rise to the top. 

Makes one think about communism/socialism in general. If you can't take away individual drives, then how could you ever make everyone the same? Some individuals will always stand out and some individuals, like myself, despite what type of society is in place will always be a star in the freak show!